Mayo 17, 2004
I am not a camera, I am Martin Amis, I am Kenneth Tynan.

Last night I had a dream that I met Martin Amis in an airport bookstore (cf. pp 236-237, 1st UK ed. of Amis' The Information), we had a nice chat and he signed a copy of his brand new novel (brand new Martin Amis novels feature extremely prominently in my dreams and they are often disappointing new novels). Then the whole scene was replayed practically verbatim only this time Amis was played by Ian McKellan and I was played by Elijah Wood, replete with terrible English accent. Then someone interrupted the replayed scene and said that this scene had to be incorporated into an adaptation of Christopher Isherwood's novel, _Mr Norris Changes Trains_. Everyone, including myself and Martin Amis, started shouting and screeching that this was AN ABSOLUTE OUTRAGE. OUTRAGE!!!!!!! they all kept shouting, until it was oppressive and upsetting. Then I woke up.

In other dreaming news, I've been rereading Kenneth Tynan's Diaries (Bloomsbury 2001), (rereading in the same way that middle-aged frenchmen "reread" Proust; reading for the first time a second time because you never got very far the first time even though you enjoyed what you were reading a whole lot), and Kenneth Tynan's dreams trump everybody's dreams, including (believe it or not) D-dogg's ultrabaroque dreams. Here's my favourite one:

15 August, 1972

A dream: I am interviewing Orphan Ramyx, a blue-eyed blonde whom I introduce as 'TV's tittering bumhole girl!". She explains that she acquired this description by appearances on a talk show where all she did was flash her anus and titter. Her bumhole is now nationally famous. 'It is inlaid with semi-precious stones,' she whispers, ' and its fumes are reputed to be good for arthritis.'

Beat that.
Kenneth Tynan also dreams up Shakespearean puns and a letter campaigning to secure a Scottish MP a horse which signs off, "Warmest wishes, and here's looking forward to your horse!"
Reading his stuff again has made me start smoking cigarettes again and experimenting with Le Tynaniste cigarette between-middle-and-ringfinger-manoevre that is almost impossible to pull off without looking like a total dingus.

Posted by at Mayo 17, 2004 01:03 PM
Comments

Isn't that how Nazis smoke?

Someone should figure out some new smoking techniques, say, a 2-handed approach. Until then, the only cool way is to leave that jazz hanging from your lips, a la Jimmy Dean and/or French farmer.

Posted by: D on Mayo 17, 2004 08:58 PM .

The Chap magazine did a "Semiotics of Smoking" clip-art hilarity thing a while ago and unfortunately I can't find it anywhere anymore. I can't even remember the good bits either but trust me it was great. I've always thought that the hobo cigar-stub-on-a-toothpick look is totally underrated and it could be the consummate way in which overeducated booj kids could make fun of poor people.

Posted by: TheDiscourse on Mayo 17, 2004 11:09 PM .

When I smoked in earnest I used to try to pull off no-hands sometimes but I'd usually just scorch my throat or burn my eyes. Crying and coughing while you smoke is strictly for teens though and so I didn't do it very often. Actually, Gitanes Mas are pretty easy to no-hand it because the paper is so thick that they barely smoulder if you're not sucking on them. They also taste like cancer so it's a bit of a toss-up.

Posted by: TheDiscourse on Mayo 18, 2004 08:09 PM .

I hear they give you breath cancer.

I make fun of poor people by chainsmoking cohibas, is that okay?

Also, I heartily regret my earlier phrase, "a la Jimmy Dean and/or French farmer." By that I seem to be implying there is some kind of entity that is both Jimmy Dean and French farmer, which I have to say is untrue. Unfortunately, now that I have said that, twice now, there are all sorts of people googling for information that validates their belief that Jimmy Dean didn't die in the crash and in fact lives out his twilight years on a sunflower farm outside of Toulouse with a Gitane hanging from his lip. Shortly, they will start addressing Mr. Dean via the comments box.

Posted by: D on Mayo 19, 2004 04:12 PM .

I think Rene Levesque perfected the two handed smoking. Most smoking moves were invented by french people - but i also have a thing for fat eastern european men who smoke in auto repair garages.

These dreams are fine. Usually, hearing somebody recount their dreams are the most insufferable thing. There are people i know who do it all the time, and attach all this shitty significance to it that i don't believe in...i make a fuss at times when they aren't talking about dreams so when they start they'll check if i'm in the room. these sorts of dreams almost never talk about jewel encrusted anus's.

Posted by: Spancan on Mayo 20, 2004 01:12 PM .
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