April 04, 2003
This Snow...

Just isn't right. It's the 4th of April-- I shouldn't have to break my back shoveling the walk and it should not be freezing outside!

What the fuck is going on?! I'm freaking out over here! If this weather were a person I would have tired of reasoning with it by now - I'd have given up. I'd be in the process of smashing it in the face, wrestling it to the ground, tearing it limb from limb. Sars, too. I would gladly punch Sars in the face, karate chop its neck - even if it were only a dumb-ass looking kid. Frankly, I'm ready to take the fight to the whole Cheney, Rumsfeld, Wolfowitz, Poindexter, Ridge, Bush, Rice, Hussein Administration - the whole stinking lot of'm all at once along with Aaron Brown - who has to remind himself not to look happy while introducing footage of children in Hospital! - and the whole cast of American Idol too - judges and singers alike. I'll make special time for the guy kicked off the show this week for beating up his sister... Beating up your sister! Shame on you! Shame! Shame! Shame! I'll kill you!

Other things I would beat up if they were people: the wart on the underside of my left foot; top ten lists that have Two Towers in the "number one" spot; the campaign to boycott France; SUVs - (what would a list of modern frustration be without them?); internet connections that stop working on a bi-weekly basis for a dozen hours at a time always when you need them most; America - not the government - cause I said that already - and certainly not the people - as they're the finest dudes around-- but the fragrance. America the fragrance could stand a good punch in the teeth. Also I would like to take the fight to lists like this, which pop up sporadically at every other blog I visit on a semi-regular basis, and which should be smashed in the face because of the anger they generate and the cravings for retribution they cause, (and also because lists like this are resilient and nothing can stop them).

And James Woods.

That stupid fuck.

No - I'm kidding. I could never.

Posted by at April 04, 2003 08:59 PM
Comments

i believe your list is missing Polanski

Posted by: mutante on April 5, 2003 04:08 PM .

Yes, Polanski too. Stupid prick.

Posted by: on April 5, 2003 07:22 PM .

Also Matthew Good Band, Craig Kilbourne, essays on "Canadian Identity", A.S. Byatt's collected work, The Juno Awards.

Posted by: on April 5, 2003 07:40 PM .

Have you really read A.S. Byatt's collected work? I'll bet some of it is at least okay.
Hey is it true that James Woods is one of the smartest men in America and that he used to be a neurosurgeon but he had an accident that fucked up his hands so he couldn't do neurosurgery anymore so he became an actor? And that the reason he always comes off as so bizarre in interviews is because he's so smart that his brain is moving so much faster than his mouth that he ends up always being incoherent? I heard that.

Posted by: ModernTalkingfan23782994 on April 8, 2003 04:30 AM .

I tried reading A.S. Byatt three different times before coming to the conclusion she doesn't know what she's doing. I watched "Possession" last week (which I read about 20 pages of)-- it was awful.

I'm very fond of your James Woods=neorosurgeon theory and I'll spread it around as much as I can...

Posted by: on April 8, 2003 03:03 PM .

actually, it would appear that Woods injured his hand while still in high school, thus ruining his dreams of becoming an eye surgeon. but the IQ thing seems to be true. 180! (bet he's a visionary philosopher, too.) I'd suggest checking his official site, but it appears that James has asked it to be taken down, and will be posting his own bio soon...
hmm... sorry to be a wet blanket on your fun facts.

Posted by: marijke on April 8, 2003 05:10 PM .

Oh, and things I'd like to hit in the face:
- the alarm of the building behind my house
- the sound of forks scraped against teeth
- the way a fat rich man's finger looks when stuffed into a giant ring with some special-rich-guy's-club insignia on it, as he's gesticulating wildly while describing his new boat, when i'm sitting next to him, trying to quietly enjoy a glass of wine with my book.
- food that doesn't taste as good as you hoped
- blue eyeshadow
- the word "potential" (because I stopped living up to mine in high school)

Posted by: marijke on April 8, 2003 05:14 PM .

Shit Marijke, I was sure Moderntalkingfan23782994 was making a funny. For the record, it hasn't changed my feelings about J.W. in the least.

Posted by: on April 8, 2003 07:35 PM .

And if you're wondering whether I fixed the clock, the answer is:

Posted by: D on April 8, 2003 08:45 PM .

YES! I fixed the clock - but it reorders the comments...? (or am I time-traveling again?)

Posted by: D on April 8, 2003 08:49 PM .

For the record..
I think A.S. Byatt is pretty fucking incredible.
(and that D's orgasm comment is pretty fucking lame)

Posted by: I hate it when people don't leave their name. on April 8, 2003 10:34 PM .

Blue eyeshadow? *hides makeup kit, sheds single tear*

Hatelist: chickenhawks, dry chicken sandwiches, stale bread, motherfuckers who don't clear their motherfucking sidewalk, pretentious ad execs, pretentious just-about-anyone, people who write in to complain about sex on TV, TV for not showing enough sex, people who can't have orgasms, turtlenecks, Victorian literature, spam.

And so much more! I wish there were a simple formula.

Posted by: D on April 8, 2003 11:43 PM .

This weather fucking blows big ass chunks, there is just no other way to put it, what a cruel April fool's joke that just lasted way too long. On a happier note it is sunny today and it looks like the snow is beginning to melt.

Things I hate: liars, arrogance, tapered pants, acid wash, frizzy hair, bad drivers, camel toe, people who eat with their mouth open, President Bush (both of them) and bad dental hygeine.

Posted by: Sassy on April 9, 2003 12:38 PM .

I can sense the tension I've created by not weighing in yet. So here are some things I'd like to punch, or just wish would disappear:

The Simpsons, especially the first 3 seasons, HBO (which I don't have, but their shows are everywhere), Richard Pryor, popsicles, watermelon, tiny frogs, high quality ultra-tiny gadgets, allergy medicine and Trey Parker.

Posted by: tv on April 9, 2003 01:49 PM .

tv: how about you disappear, assface?

Posted by: Chad on April 9, 2003 03:38 PM .

How can you hate the Simpsons tv???, thats just wrong!

Posted by: Sassy on April 9, 2003 10:26 PM .

Yeah tv, what's up with that? And when are you going to defend yourself against this Chad-menace? Or do I have to do everything for you?

Posted by: on April 10, 2003 03:46 PM .

I'm sorry, but I don't think I've laughed even once watching The Simpsons. Like the time Marge wanted to bash Flanders's head in with a pipe. Such lazy comedy.

As for Chad, I'm sincerely sorry if I offended you.

Posted by: tv on April 10, 2003 04:19 PM .

more things I would punch:

- Seattle-sky grey
- my CD player (for periodically refusing to play any CD that's more than four years old)
- blind followers
- not finding me funny
- glass as a major material in architecture
- moments of stupidity/being tongue-tied
- misguided notions of femininity (including my own)
- clowns
- loneliness
- anyone who disses tv (I got your back, dude)
- pennies
- that moment, that split-second right after you hear your apartment door click shut and locked, when you realize that you've forgotten your book/umbrella/cigarettes/whatever, and you now have to fish your keys out from wherever they happen to be and unlock the door to get it,which will take you a full two minutes...
- tube tops

whee... this is fun.

Posted by: marijke on April 10, 2003 04:35 PM .

punchlist:

hearing music by sting, especially when in a bad mood
people who walk too close behind you on the sidewalk, especially in the ice and snow
rollerbladers

Posted by: cc on April 10, 2003 05:23 PM .

It took me awhile to realize 'tv' was 'chad'. It's too much!

Posted by: on April 11, 2003 02:29 AM .

Sorry for the silliness. And thanks marijke!

Posted by: tv on April 11, 2003 09:10 AM .
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