Julio 14, 2002
My Canker

I've had a canker in my mouth for about seven months. I can remember it being there before New Year's Day, because after I quit smoking on the 1st, it went away for a while. Then it came back. Then I started smoking again, and it went away. Then it came back. Then, during a recent string of mindbending arguments with Filion, it peaked in intensity, and I ended up with three at once. They hurt. Bad.

Filion took me to a doctor at a walk-in clinic that weekend. I told him that I had a mouth full of cankers, that I thought they might be stress related, and that I felt like I was falling apart. He didn't look in my mouth, and didn't even make eye contact with me. He was busy writing a prescription for a drug that turned out to be available over-the-counter. The pharmacist who helped me find it said "Why would he recommend that?"

Instead of 'that' I bought this Orabase shit which is supposed to cover the canker so that it's protected or something, and which I never used. Why do I want to protect the goddamn thing anyway? I want it to go away. Somehow I thought it would when Filion and I got new jobs, but we did, and it didn't.

Posted by King at Julio 14, 2002 11:21 PM

There are a few steps that can be taken to discourage the growth of this canker (spelling is alarmingly similar to cancer):

A) See your family doctor--he will listen to you prattle on about stressful, mind-bending arguements and their relationship to the open sores in your mouth.

B) Try the Orabase--it covers the canker so that the acids in your mouth don't errode the sore. That allows for a speedier recovery. Didn't we cover this already?

C) Quit resisting my efforts to make you a better human.

Posted by: filion on Julio 15, 2002 12:11 PM .

The canker will go away once you complete a certain piece of writing you've been attempting to complete for a very, very, very long period of time... The completion of this certain, oh...'script' if you will, could unleash a positive force in your life that you have yet to experience. My suggestion is that you complete this...'screenplay' about a certain 'golden spherical structure'...(if you know what I mean)...and your canker will go away.

Posted by: Connie on Julio 15, 2002 04:59 PM .

Connie is probably right. Complete the 'script' and the canker will most likely go away.
Cankers are often symptomatic of repressed emotion or stress - phyical ailments of mental turmoil.
People often have a particular part of their body where they 'hold' their emotion. Perhaps yours happens to be the mouth: Symbolic of your need to express yourself (... and something that you sometimes have difficulty doing?...)

Maybe its time for you to take a deep breath king and just chill. (Don't take life too seriously. You'll never get out of it alive).

Posted by: Aries on Julio 15, 2002 11:22 PM .

Connie is probably right. Complete the 'script' and the canker will most likely go away.
Cankers are often symptomatic of repressed emotion or stress - phyical ailments of mental turmoil.
People often have a particular part of their body where they 'hold' their emotion. Perhaps yours happens to be the mouth: Symbolic of your need to express yourself (... and something that you sometimes have difficulty doing?...)

Maybe its time for you to take a deep breath king and just chill. (Don't take life too seriously. You'll never get out of it alive).

Posted by: on Julio 15, 2002 11:22 PM .

Sorry - technologically challenged (...among other things ... ) accidentally sent comment twice.

Posted by: Aries on Julio 15, 2002 11:40 PM .

Thank you Filion, Connie and Aries. Although I admit that I have refused to become a better human Filion -- in spite of your great guidance -- I know in my fucking soul that Connie and Aries are right. Goddamnit.

Posted by: king on Julio 16, 2002 02:44 AM .

Well it is nice to know that we share yet another thing in common Mr. King. Your canker, my half tooth. It is Monday morning King and things happen for a reason. That tooth of mine was meant to fall out on Friday night. I was having too much fun and things had to be shifted back into perspective. So four a few hours the next day I was rather bummed, not to mention piping mad for having to walk around town with a fucking missing front tooth, and thoughts of abandoning the cottage this week just werent making the weekend go smooth. But alas it is Monday morning and things are all good. Monster will be having a consultation tomorrow morning followed by surgery on Thursday morning. Monster will then travelling north to the cottage Thursday night (for better or for worse)with a bran spanking new chopper. It fell out because it needed to be fixed. Fix the canker, other things will then fix themselves.

Posted by: Monster on Julio 22, 2002 08:42 AM .

Good advice Monster, thanks. You were definitely having too much fun on Friday night. Did I hear you say you had eight gin and sevens at Bar Italia?

Posted by: king on Julio 22, 2002 01:14 PM .

No it was actually seven gin and eights. What are you a drug councillor now?

Posted by: Monster on Julio 22, 2002 01:39 PM .

No. Just a hypocrite.

Posted by: king on Julio 22, 2002 03:44 PM .

Fuck dentists, dental surgeons, and root canal specialists. They can all hop into one boat and float straight to hell as far as I am concerned. They suck.

Posted by: Monster on Julio 23, 2002 01:09 PM .

What happened? Did you go to your consultation this morning?

Posted by: king on Julio 23, 2002 03:32 PM .

I like that all these people would actually float into Hell -- on some scary river no doubt -- but that they would float to Hell. I guess that makes more sense than driving a 75 horsepower outboard motor straight to Hell.

Posted by: king on Julio 23, 2002 03:36 PM .

Yeah I had my consultation if you will this morning. Lets see, his name was Dr. Chapnick, nice enough gentleman I guess. I gather he is fairly well to do as his walls were covered with nothing but achievement placques with his name on them as well as pictures and pictures of him with all the big raptors, Leafs, and Blue Jays. It was really wierd. All the pictures were separate from one another and they were just of him and said star. It was impressive, I must say.

He had this tiny little helper with him who pushed me from room to room. I felt like slapping her upside the head for rushing me around like that. She obviously thought that she was alot better looking than she actually was. That is the only reason I can muster up for her giving me the shove like that. I mean Christ I was sitting there in my third dental chair thinking about her saggy little ass, the leather that she referred to as skin on her face and thought to myself that there are some mornings when I get up, look myself in the mirror and think damn I look better than you stupid dental surgeon assistant. Well anyway, Doc Chapdick saunters on in like he is mightier than God pokes around, takes an x-ray, chats me up and concludes that perhaps I should go to his brother (who is an root canal specialist in the same god-damn building) for his opinion. He says to me "Well Ryan, the best type of surgeries are the ones we can avoid." How lame. His parting words to me were something along the lines of hoping that we would never meet each other again unless it happened to be St. Paddy's Day. His little ugly co-worker charges me a hundred bucks and out the door I go.

I have a butt outside out of sheer desperation, inhale it like nobody's business and into Dr. Chapdick II's office. He is the fatter younger brother of the first fuck. He sits me in a chair takes an x-ray for what reason I dont know as I had with me an x-ray from the first dick. He then pokes around and suggests that I go pack to his brother to schedule the first of two surgeries I will require before I can call myself Choppers again. My first surgery would be to open my gums and rid my poor tired and aching gum of its infection that has been residing there for well over two years now. There is a week recovery period before I will be ready for the second operation. And then folks, only then will I be able to call myself Choppers again. I forgot to tell you that this one cost me a hundred and five dollars only to be sent back to Dr. Chapdick I's office. Over two hundred bucks to the same god-damn family. Unreal. The worst of it all is the fact that due to my employment activities I will be unable to attend the surgery for about another three weeks. I guess smiling will be out of the question.

Posted by: Monster on Julio 23, 2002 04:47 PM .

Shit, Monster, that sucks.

Maybe it's time to splurge on that set of gold hiphop fang teeth you've always wanted.

Posted by: D on Julio 23, 2002 04:54 PM .

Chapnick I, Chapnick II and that assistant who has the nerve to call the leather on her face "skin" can float straight to hell like you said. Float Leatherface and Chapnicks, you sick fucks!
What a bunch of fucking shit. Two hundred and ten dollars. Now I remember why I haven't been to the dentist in three years. Oh yeah, and I don't have any insurance, that's the other reason. Look Choppers, you're still Choppers, with or without your front tooth. But don't you think it's time you let out all the pain and frustration on that hairy beast that fucked your tooth up in the first place?

Posted by: king on Julio 23, 2002 07:53 PM .

wow did I sleep like a baby today

Posted by: Monster on Julio 24, 2002 05:57 PM .

First and foremost, dentists are great human beings.
That said, I must ask what the hell happened to the tooth? Was is just the result of decay leading to facial erosion or did you get wasted, slip on a spilled drink and take a headder of a bar railing?
King, sorry about the cankers, sounds terrible. Were you eating alot of fun dip during this cankerous period? When I was young I spent all my birthday money on fun dip and I swore that my mouth was actually sealed over with millions of smaller cankers or perhaps one oversized one. Next time you get one, eat a lemon. Itll hurt like a rhino fucking your mouth but itll kill a canker.
Nice website.

Posted by: Louis on Julio 26, 2002 02:38 AM .

Thanks Louis, I'll try that. I was eating a lot of fun dip -- well not actually fun dip, it was a fun dip knock-off called "Krazy Dunk with Joy Baton" and I didn't use it properly either. Mostly I'd just swallow the "joy baton" whole, the dump the entire package of sweet sugary krazy dunk powder into my mouth. Krazy Dunk was a lot sweeter than Fun Dip, and the package had what looked like Russian on it -- they had a flavour called Fermentalberry, and one called Glazed Pork.

Posted by: king on Julio 26, 2002 03:08 PM .

Louis is right about the lemon. Citrus fruit, although a fucking bitch to eat with open sores in your mouth, speeds up the healing process. But then again, so does that orabase. Right King? Why didn't you just listen to the doc in the first place.

Posted by: filion on Julio 26, 2002 05:24 PM .

OK, Im pretty sure that you didnt have rancid pork flavored sugar crystals but, was the dipping stick really called a joy baton? Sounds more like a weirdos pet name for his penis.
After reading a few of the entries in various sections of your website it appears that filion is trying to give King advice often. Maybe you should listen to her king, it appears she has your best interests in mind.
I had an interesting dining experience the other day (sorry to get off topic), but I ordered dove for an appetizer and wild boar for my entre. This brown lump came out on a bed of lettuce, and I thought it to be deep fried dove breasts. So I picked it up and took a bite not knowing that I had just eaten the dove's ass first. My friends were saying that this part of the bird is called the parson's nose but I didnt get it. Then I decided to take the other end and to my shock I had just bitten the whole bloody head of the poor bird and I started choking on the beak. They just took the dove and dropped the whole thing in a deep fat fryer. Just terrible!
The wild boar came next with a nice sweet and sour sauce coupled with shot gun pellets. After this dining experience my mouth is a cut up mess. The sweet and sour sauce is still stinging.
Please to do not eat any of the aforementioned items while experiencing cankerous discomfort, they will only lead to further unpleasantness.

Posted by: Louis on Julio 27, 2002 02:55 AM .

Great comments Louis - that'll teach you to eat The Symbol of Peace.

King - maybe if you actually let a rhino fuck your mouth, that might cure the canker.

Posted by: D on Julio 29, 2002 11:53 PM .

Tried it.

Posted by: king on Julio 30, 2002 01:25 AM .

Louis's story made me actually want to hurl chunks, thanks for sharing. Maybe its about becoming a vegetarian, that might cure your cankers, that and listening to Filion, of course!

Posted by: Sassy on Julio 30, 2002 12:05 PM .

Filion appreciates the support Sassy.

Posted by: king on Julio 30, 2002 02:35 PM .

I support Sassy.

Posted by: D on Julio 31, 2002 01:38 AM .

And I support you. But then, who supports me? Not Filion, surely.

Posted by: king on Julio 31, 2002 02:42 AM .

Does anyone else have a problem with fat vegetarians? Dont you think that they should all be thin? Would their obesity simply be related to cheese consumption or are they just adding too much butter to their sauteed vegetables. Leave fatness to us omnivores.
I support you king. Even though you are a scatterbrain, you are a good egg, and one hell of a model american.

Posted by: Louis on Agosto 1, 2002 10:25 PM .

I support you too king. The advice-which admittedly sometimes comes in the form of nagging--is a component of this support. You need to make two important appointments. One with your doctor to take care of the persistent canker and one with your hairdresser to tame the wild-looking mess on your head. The canker and the mullet are developing at alarming rates. The only other advice I'd offer at this junction is to stop freaking out my friends. Your loving and lingering stare is sometimes not welcome by other men. With the exception of these 3 problems, you are an absolutely bitching boyfriend and you know I'm your biggest fan.

Posted by: filion on Agosto 10, 2002 05:46 PM .

Sassy, I support you too. In anything....blindly. This is what sometimes gets us into trouble. Fucking critch.

Posted by: filion on Agosto 10, 2002 05:48 PM .

Louis – I also have a problem with fat vegetarians, I always thought that they should be pretty lithe as well but then again there is no meat in twinkies or chocolate bars or ho-hos, hell they could eat a pound of sugar a day and still be a “vegetarian”.

Filion –I appreciate your blinding support, yes it does get us in trouble but unfortunately/fortunately we all seem to learn things the hard way, what doesn’t kill us will only make us stronger (what can I say, I am a total cliché.)

Posted by: Sassy on Agosto 13, 2002 02:23 PM .

Thank god there is someone out there who agrees with meabout the whole fatty veggie thing! Everyone else thinks that I have no reason to bitch. So, Im thinking of starting an underground movement designed to rid the world of fat vegetarians. It will not be a Hitleresque style of genocide based on meal preference, simply a mild kidnapping campaign. I will frequent local vegetarian establishments and make a list of chub-chubs. I will accost them after an extremely cheese and dorito filled dinner. They will be taken to my secret dungeon-gym where they will be forced to do countless hours of stairmaster and treadmill training. In addition, the good virtues of PAM will be blasted from loud speakers. WHOSE WITH ME!
p.s. King I cant believe you have a mullett. Do you have a mullet with blonde highlights too??

Posted by: Louis on Agosto 18, 2002 12:54 AM .

na, the highlights grew out.

Posted by: king on Agosto 19, 2002 04:06 AM .

Louis - I fully support your movement, I am totally with you. I am declaring Jihad on all fat vegetarians, and I am down with your plan of attack, in fact I offer to be your right hand man (woman)for this cause.

Posted by: Sassy on Agosto 19, 2002 10:14 AM .

Sassy, your offer for righthandsmanship has been approved by the People's Non-Democratic Party For The Extermination Of Fat Vegetarian Assholes. Congradulations you made it! Our secret meeting will be held in New Delhi this evening at 6:00 PM. Look for the rickshaw driver dressed in white clothes with a complexion not really black and not totally white, he'll take you to us for a few rupies. See you there.
King, sorry about the highlights, all good things must come to a horrible conclusion, similar to your hairstyle.
How's the canker? Isnt that what we are supposed to be talking about? I feel that an intifada should commense against these semi stinging nuisances, and a global War on Cankers should replace the War on Terror.
Hmmm, fat vegetarians and cankers. This could be tricky, I wonder if there is a link?

Posted by: Louis on Agosto 19, 2002 11:16 PM .

Funny you should ask about the canker Louis. Today I saw a periodontist who diagnosed it as root canal (or at least, as some kind of friction related trauma to my tooth, which will require one, or maybe two root canals.)

As far as the link between cankers and vegetarians goes, you will see here, that we're #1.

In fact, you yourself are #3 on google Louis, if one uses the singular: "canker" and "vegetarian".

The #1 article on that page is worth a read if you do happen to have cankers which, infelicitously, I don't.

You and Sassy are gonna make Monster jealous if you continue with your plans for this underground movement against fat vegetarians and cankers.

Posted by: king on Agosto 20, 2002 12:57 AM .

So it turns out that the periodontist who diagnosed me on August 20th, 2002 was right. Here I am almost a year later and I've had one quadruple root canal and will be setting an appointment this week to get another, though this one may only be a double.

Shortly after that diagnosis, that periodontist was bitten by a mosquito and contracted West Nile. He's an older guy, and he almost died. He was completely paralysed at one point. I wanted to see him for my gum surgery yesterday but he can only work two days a week now and you can't really get in.

Posted by: king on Julio 10, 2003 12:09 AM .

Hello? I know you're there...

I'm authoring about my sibling. Could you help me?
=o( 2 1/2 yeaaars later! wo0t.

Posted by: Your Canker on Septiembre 19, 2004 04:52 PM .

I want to take your family dog. and fuck it's little cock between my teeth and have it soak my throat with goopy chowder ...Send me your puppy through UPS you sthilly cocksthucker!

Posted by: You're My Faggot on Septiembre 19, 2004 04:56 PM .

Aahahahaha !! Are you reading this? Tracy Kirkland!?

Posted by: WTF on Septiembre 19, 2004 04:56 PM .

licking butt lube...

Posted by: on Septiembre 19, 2004 04:58 PM .
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