Junio 10, 2002
a weekend away
Man, oh man, man.
It was good to get out of the city this weekend. I went to Winchester, Ontario, and to Ottawa as well I suppose. There's fucking nothing to do in Ottawa after the bars close. Everyone just eats. Filion and I combed the streets for the after hours scene and everyone told us were wasting our time. Where are the after hours joints in the Wa? We did sleep on the floor of this apartment right near the experimental farm in the middle of Ottawa. I didn't even know about this. What a dump Toronto is, we don't even have a goddamn experimental park. And I know we have a lot of parks, but let's face it, most of them suck. There's nowhere in the fucking city you can go and get some peace and friggin' quiet. I've had this kanker sore in my mouth for four freaking months now, and it went away over the weekend. And you know what? I've been back in town for five hours, and it's back.
Toronto could be so great, but for one thing, everyone's always pissed off and in a rush. And probably pissed off because they're in a rush. Store clerks have no time for me, and I definitely have no time for them. And I really feel like the rush is a hustle to get ahead, and get more bread so that I can buy more time or something. Or so that I can buy whatever I want when I'm not working as a kind of reward for me because most of the time is just shitty because I'm working. And in my job I deal with the public, and that time is shitty time because Everyone, including me, is pissed off and in a rush, so how could we possibly enjoy talking to each other. It's all such a load of horseshit.
Everything is tied up in our concept of time I think. I don't really understand time at all, but there's something strange about it. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that we feel like our time is limited on the planet, so we feel rushed. People are always talking about wasting time. Hey you're late! You wasted my fucking time. But buddy, that time's only wasted if you spend it thinking about how much of your time is being wasted.
Pasquale, the patriarch at restaurant #2 talked to me a lot about how time is weather-relative, because in really good weather, it's okay to doddle and do nothing, and wander and just enjoy -- but in cold weather, if you're late, you maybe left someone out to freeze.
Seriously though. I don't know any references on the web, but so many spiritual writings talk about how there's an eternity in the moment. How there is no present and no future, that they only exist in your mind. I do not understand this. I know that on certain drugs I have had the feeling that time slowed down, or that it's irrelevant altogether. I don't think about anything except what I'm doing, and five minutes can seem like an hour -- in a good way.
Most people I talk to in the restaurant can barely even focus on ordering a meal. There's too much noise in everyone's goddamn heads.
I don't have a point, no. I'm just writing shit out of my own head, so maybe I might write something with a point someday. And stop wasting everybody's fuckin' time.
Posted by King at Junio 10, 2002 02:40 AM
When you have it, you fuck with it.
Without it, you're fucked.
Preoccupation is something that takes a person away from their surroundings. If people would just stop everything they are doing at any given moment, and just fucking realize that life is quickly passing them by they would be so much better off. After thinking about this for a while it becomes obvious that some/most people are not capable of such a task. What could be so important in life for one to be so oblivious to their surroundings? People make me sick. I fucking hate people sometimes. The more I think about it the more appealing life would be somewhere in the middle of no where with a dog, trees, water, and a small cabin. I just want to stop people on the street and give them a slap just to see if they would come back to reality, if only just for a second. Maybe its me, I mean am I so different from society because I have the capability to see the big picture. I mean sure we all get hung up on issues in our lives but God dammit they are only issues. People have to realize that things always work out. Be it for the better or for the worse things work out for a reason. Take a fucking second to realize this. We are all smart people. We have the ability to do this. Smile and wave. Life is what you make of it. Living among the bright lights people lose touch with themselves. Drink booze, take drugs, fuck women (or men if you prefer that) not to escape but to enjoy. Dont look to escape because when you return, its just the same if not worse. Whoever said that life was no walk in the park was dead right but it sure can be a jolly good time trying to figure it out. Wake up, smile and try puttiing yourself first for a change.
If you watch it,
It goes away.
I think what you wrote here is great, and it's taken a while for me to figure out how to respond. Here's the thing...
You and I have been drunk and/or high together many times. And maybe some of those moments were us trying to escape, but I feel like most weren't.
Of all the people I know, you were always the most fun to work with. We did a few different jobs together too. Even though some of those days went -- even 20 hours? That night security gig we did was that long I'm sure. It didn't matter what we were doing though. It was fun. I looked forward to it. So there was no reason to get trashed over the weekend to blow it off. (Though we did get trashed over the weekend -- but usually we'd laugh about things that happened at work. I never felt like I was escaping from it).
Even when shit was bad at work -- and most of the time it was -- we were having fun. I think people make your world, and you do too, obviously. I know I have a lot of noise in my head a lot of the time -- scripts I haven't written yet, money problems, girl problems, existential problems, all sorts of garbage. But I know that when I've been living in a moment in time -- when there's nothing else really but what is happening at that moment -- which is what we all want I think, and why sex is such a good escape and so are drugs -- and those "Extreme Highs" people get from jumping out of a plane and shit, when I've been living that, it doesn't matter what the fuck I'm doing.
I'm just observing what's going on, and I feel good. So I want to try and cultivate that as much as possible. You taught me how to be that way at work. I don't have the mental association work=bad anymore. I know given the choice, that no one really wants to work. But with the right attitude, and especially with the right people, work can be fucking great.